Who’s in charge around here anyway?

This was taped to my monitor this morning:

 

blog

Yes, I raise bossy women.

It’s harder than I thought, showing up here on a regular basis. It’s not because I have nothing on my mind, but rather because there’s so MUCH on my mind, and none of it, I believe appropriate to share with the Internets at large.

My favourite device, when discussing inner conflict is to say, “Name your fear.” The theory is that once you acknowledge, out loud, what it is that you’re really afraid of, it loses its power over you. Outside of the murky recesses of your mind, the darkest most fantastical corners of your imagination, the fear lies stark in the light of day and you can see it for what it really is.

Once upon a time, I glanced out our front window of an evening and my gaze fixed on the roof of the house across the street.  I saw what I could have sworn was a cat sitting, two stories up, on top of the chimney. It was silhouetted against a faint moon in a cloudy sky, nothing more than an inky shape in the night.

I looked again a short while later, and it was still there. Hadn’t moved, not so much as shifted its weight.

I watched, my curiosity growing. Whose cat could it be, and why was it just sitting there? It began to freak me out a little bit.

Finally, I opened the front door and walked down the sidewalk for a closer look.

Outside, in a different light, from a different angle, I realized the reality.

The cat on the chimney was actually the neighbour’s satellite dish. Nothing weird about that at all. I went back in the house, alternately chuckling at my own imagination and feeling relieved that I hadn’t said to anyone in the house, “Get a load of that cat!”

It’s like when you were little, and turning the light on instantly banished the monster under the bed. Dare to shine a light on what you’re afraid of, risk looking at it from a different direction, and you realize – there was nothing to be afraid of after all.

So what am I afraid of?

The children, as you can see from above, have gone out and gotten minds of their own. And while that’s the goal, after all, it’s more scary than I thought it would be. What if they’re not ready? What if I’M not ready?

I’m meeting with someone at the college tomorrow to discuss adding to my education. I have the skeleton of a plan, and it’s a little exciting. There are few details yet, and no, I haven’t planned every angle. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say I’m planning to plan. I’ll keep you posted.

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